Rediscovering YOU - Life After Divorce
Someone recently asked me, “How do I get back to who I was before my relationship and divorce happened?”
I looked at her and said compassionately “You can’t because no matter how hard you try, that shit changed you. It left a mark. What you can do is rediscover, redefine and realign yourself with who you are and want you want in your life now.”
As I move through my own transition of becoming a single woman again, I’m reminded that I can’t go back and being who I was, but I can absolutely rediscover myself by asking the question
“Who was I before I met him?”
The first time I sat with this question I was like “I dunno who I was. That was soooo long ago.” I was finishing up graduate school for both my Masters in Social Work and Criminal Justice.
When we spend a long time in a relationship, it can be hard to reconnect with who we were, but not impossible.
The more I sat with the question, the more I realized that I was an unaware wounded woman. I was disconnected from myself in some ways and I didn’t fully value myself. I was doing things to get the attention from others and hoping to find my next boyfriend/husband.. I was desperately trying to fill a void by focusing on things outside myself, never diving into my own work. Plain and simple, I was looking for my knight in shining armor to come rescue me.
I didn’t know what I know now and it was only through this relationship that I was able to figure out what I know now.
Rediscovering ourselves isn’t getting back to who we were. It’s about stepping into who we are now. It’s about exploring, processing, reflecting, healing, letting go, opening up, diving in, closing doors and doing it all over again. It’s about taking all we’ve learned and asking “What does this mean to me now? What do I want now? What brings me joy and pleasure now?”
Each experience I’ve faced in life has taught me something not just about the other person or the world, but most importantly about myself. This marriage and relationship taught me about the importance of valuing myself and speaking up for what I believe in.
As I’ve transitioned out of this relationship, I’ve allowed myself to ask what’s important to me? What charities do I want to support? Is there somewhere I have always wanted to volunteer at, go to or try?
Living life is a risk, getting married after already being divorced was a risk. There is always a chance that things won’t work out or they won’t go the way we want them too. And that’s part of the beauty of the experience is we have an opportunity to make new meaning of ourselves.
Rediscovering ourselves in some senses is a myth, because without the experiences we wouldn’t be able to uncover things about ourselves. Without exploring and processing our emotions about how something felt, we wouldn’t make changes. By stepping forward into the unknown and opening to learning more about ourselves, we transform into something new and magnificent.
As I’ve worked through this process, I realize now that I don’t want a partner to save me. I want someone to join me on my adventure. I want to do things I love and value without the fear of being judged or ridiculed and not for the approval or acceptance of others. I want to try new things that interest me, like fly fishing or kayaking. I want to live a life without regrets rather than one where I’m trying to prove my worth or make up for shit I can’t change. I want to take chances and not let other people’s fears, concerns or skepticism stop me from living. I’m ready to step forward into the unknown and say “I don’t know where this road is going to take me but I trust myself and I have faith I’m being supported.” Because I do and I am.
Figuring out what we value and desire in life comes from the experiences and relationships we have. They are constant opportunities for growth and guidance.
Redefining yourself & your life, your values, begins to happen when you sit down and answer these questions:
Who was I before this relationship?
What was I looking for back then?
What have I learned about myself because of this relationship?
What do I want now for my life, my relationships?
What’s important to me now?
Using our experiences as guideposts for growth helps us live a more authentic and fulfilled life because we are focusing on how these experiences and relationships impact us and choosing what to do about it. If we just keep doing the same old shit, we will continue to get the same old shit, plain and simple.
When we choose to be brave and speak up for what we want and who we are, we are drawing a line in the sand. Some people will not join us, and it's okay. Others will and that’s okay too. The most important thing is that through all of this, you know where you stand and you are proud of who you are.
Remember each experience and relationship is an opportunity for you to redefine yourself. It gives you clarity about who you are and it helps others know you more intimately as well. We are not stagnant, we are constantly evolving. What you chose yesterday or five years ago will not be the same as what you choose today, tomorrow or five years from now. The more you embrace the journey of you, the more you, you will feel.
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Keep Being Bravely You,
Amanda