Embracing Your Independence After Divorce
When you spend so many years living with someone, it can be hard to be alone.
I spent more than 10 years living with my husband, sharing a life, a home and a bed. It’s weird to wake up without him there. It’s weird to not be sitting down with him for dinner or even watching tv with him. It was weird to be alone for our wedding anniversary and my birthday and it’s hard to drive past places we used to go together or even watch the FB Memories pop up. All these memories remind me of what I’ve lost including all the expectations and plans I’d made for the future.
It’s easy to find ourselves second guessing and questioning ourselves when we experience the discomfort of being alone.
When you’re going through a divorce, you are going to find yourself alone. Feeling lonely can move you to reminiscing on the good times. You may feel the urge to reach out to your partner when something really good or bad happens, or just to tell them about your day... and then stop before you hit call. Or maybe you hit call just to check in, only to find yourself back in the dance of your relationship asking yourself “Why the hell did I do that?”
This is all okay. These feelings and actions are natural. You are going through a transition and getting comfortable with being alone. It will take time to comfortably lean into the solitude of your new life. But, if you can force yourself to lean into the discomfort, you will find it to have a powerful impact on your life.
As I navigate this new space, I’ve had to get comfortable with mourning the loss of this relationship. This feeling of loss and sadness seems to be more potent and present when I’m alone. It’s hard to say exactly what will cause me to feel this sense of loss. One minute I can be fine and excited about the future, and the next minute I’m like, holy shit, it’s really happening - like when I got my court date to finalize my divorce.
It’s important to know, the things that activate feelings of loss are different for everyone. And one thing I’ve learned, when they bubble up, is to allow yourself to feel them and process them.
Through this process, I’ve learned loneliness is useful. It can help us build a better relationship with ourselves. It’s a playground where we can learn to fully be with ourselves in a whole new way. It’s a place of healing.
I spent so many years worried about making my husband happy, I didn’t always think about myself and what I needed for me. I compromised often - like when I made dinners I knew he would like (even if I wasn’t exactly what I wanted). I chose to go out with girlfriends when it wouldn’t impact him, watch shows he would watch and do things he wanted to do.
Yes, it was thoughtful to think of him first, however, when we are focused only on our partner, we forget about ourselves, and vice versa (both can be toxic for a relationship). For years, I didn’t show up or share with him what I wanted. Which was part of the problem.
Now it’s just me. There’s no one for me to really check in with. I don’t “need to” worry about someone else. Sure I have Leroy (my pup), and my son. But when it comes to many things in life, I am alone without a partner to focus on. And this has been an adjustment, not considering a partner when making decisions about the future of my life.
Most people do everything they can, so they aren’t alone. Being alone with ourselves is often when self doubt, self judgment, and self criticism are the loudest. We don’t have any distractions when we are alone. Alone is where a lot of healing and growth can happen. Being alone allows you to open up and really explore what you want, what you enjoy, and what makes you happy in life - if you’re brave enough to sit with it.
When we spend so much time focused on others, we lose sight of ourselves. We often don’t spend time getting to know what it is we even want or need. In our culture, we tend to find ways to drown out the discomfort and distract ourselves from having to sit with these big questions, and sometimes heavy feelings.
Leaning into the solitude a divorce offers, allows you to lean back into who you are. It opens you up to getting reacquainted with yourself. It creates an opportunity for you to redefine yourself as well as do things you’ve always been dreaming of.
Sure it's scary, but here’s the thing…
You get to decide if you're going to let your fear stop you or if you will embrace your fear and say “Let’s take this Muther Effing Ride!”
This means you get to spend more time reading, taking those broom making classes you've always been interested in, traveling more, focusing more on your self care, learning a new hobby, or whatever else your heart desires.
When you lean into your solitude, you open up a gateway into the realm of limitless possibilities.
You don’t have to consider whether the other person will be okay with it. You don’t have to fear they will tell you no, make fun of you, or even want to join you. You don’t have to justify or even explain yourself. You get to experience things for your own pleasure and enjoyment, just because you desire too.
Right now you might be saying, “Sure that sounds great and all, but why does this feel so uncomfortable?” Well, it’s because you aren’t used to it. If you’re like me, you’re not used to taking yourself out to dinner on your birthday with no one to talk to. You’re not used to spending “that kind money” on a vacation, without getting someone else to say “of course you can.”
Embracing your independence is getting comfortable with all the uncomfortable things you are now facing, and it’s an amazing opportunity that not everyone gets to experience. It’s the opportunity to live the life you want so in 10, 20, 30, 50 years from now, you’re not laying on your deathbed wishing you would have done x, y, and z.
Embracing your independence is living without regret and taking those opportunities you’ve always dreamed of taking, even the scary ones.
This is exactly why I've been leaning into my solitude. I want to hear my inner voice, loud and clear. I want my intuition to show me what I’m missing. I want the wise confident woman inside me to encourage me to follow my dreams, even though I’m not sure I can do it, even though I know I can.
Embracing our independence is about leaning into what brings us the most joy and pleasure in life. It’s about having the courage to finally let yourself lose in order to become exactly who you want to be.
If you want these things too, here are some questions/journal prompts for you to explore so you can become more comfortable with the solitude, and embrace your new independence:
When I feel loneliness bubble up, I normally…..
My biggest fear about being alone is…..
Because of this relationship I’ve learned……...
Something that brings me joy and pleasure is………
Being Independent means……
Now that I’m alone, I can finally……..
As you look at what you’ve written, pay attention to how you feel. Take some time to sit with what you’ve written without judgment and see if there is anything deeper for you to discover here.
Remember, you have one life, so live it bravely moving forward, and use every experience to love yourself deeper.
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Keep Being Bravely You
Amanda