How to Tell if You're In an Abusive Relationship
Someone recently asked me, “How do I know if I’m in an abusive relationship or if this is just “normal” relationship conflict?”
This is a complicated and deep question because it isn’t just about checking boxes. It’s about understanding the dynamics of your relationship, as well as, honestly acknowledging how you feel in the relationship.
It would be unwise and naive to think that relationships are without conflict. Each person comes to a relationship with different perspectives, values and experiences on pretty much everything. And even though there are commonalities among individuals coming into relationship with each other, how we define the relationship and what we expect our interactions to look like at the beginning and through the relationship are different and evolve over time. For some people, they may come together with mutual understanding, however for others this may not happen. Or you have an understanding at the beginning, but then one of you evolves or your perspectives and expectations change, so there is no longer a mutual understanding in the relationship.
From these differences conflict arises. Now conflict is NOT synonymous with aggression, brutality or threats of harm, even though culturally it may feel that way. There are lots of ways to navigate conflict respectfully. At the root conflict is the difference between individuals and their perspectives and/or expectations of how things will work. It doesn’t make one right and the other wrong, things can be different and not better or worse. Many couples learn to navigate conflict which may feel crunchy at times through asking questions and learning to regulate their own emotional reaction to them. Coming from a place of trying to understand your parents perspective and validating their experience creates bridges and deepens connection.
Normal Relationship Conflict can be understood in terms of the differences between us that create conflict, however that doesn’t mean its abusive to disagree with your partner about things like raising your children, how to discipline them, how much sex to have, who takes care of what, and all the other unwritten often unspoken relationship roles, contracts and agreements we make with our partner.
Abuse comes in many forms and is about power and control.
It’s about causing harm to someone whether it’s physical, sexual, emotional, financial, etc. There are many ways we can abuse people in our lives both intentionally or unintentionally. Often the unintentional abuse happens when we become reactive to something we experience. Being reactive to your partner, does NOT justify the abuse or make it okay in any way. At the same time it’s important to clarify reactivity because often when this type of abuse unintentionally happens, the person may be more open to changing their behavior once hearing how it impacted their partner.
Abuse regardless of being intentional or not is toxic and harmful, whether it’s degrading and/or demeaning your partner with your words, neglecting the relationship and/or their needs, and/or assaulting their body in a physical or sexual way.
How do you know the difference between the two?
Well, for starters abuse damages people to the core in a variety of ways. It disrupts their feeling of safety, erode’s their sense of security and violates their trust. On the other hand even though “normal relationship conflict” may irritate and even infuriate you at times, it doesn’t have the same long lasting emotional, psychological and mental impact that abuse has on someone. For example damaging their self esteem and feeling like they are worthless.
You can still have trust and safety in a relationship with someone whom you have a disagreement with, however trust and safety are eroded when there is abuse in the relationship.
The next question people typically ask is “why aren’t they leaving then, if they're in an abusive relationship?” Well, the answer to this question is as complex if not more than understanding the difference between abuse and “normal relationship conflict” and without going into that level of depth.
Simply put, When We Are in Abusive Relationships, We Blame Ourselves and See Ourselves as the Problem, The One Who Needs to Be Fixed, Who Deserves What’s Happening and Who Needs to Be Better.
And let’s not forget that all too often the relationship doesn't become abusive overnight. It’s a systematic process of slowly breaking someone down so abuse begins to feel normal. Often there is even an element of it feeling familiar, especially if we grew up in a toxic, abusive home where abuse was modeled for us by our parents or primary caregivers. It may also be confirming some deep seeded secret belief we have about ourselves, where we feel unworthy of anything better because of our own shame.
So how do you know which one it is, well ask yourself these questions and be deeply honest:
How do I feel in this relationship? Do I feel valued, safe and/or loved as I am or am I feeling scared, constricted, worried and like I need to do specific things to avoid upsetting my partner?
Do I feel like I am able to be myself and speak my truth around my partner or am I worried about how they are going to respond and fear for my safety, whether it be physical or emotional so I avoid rocking the boat because it's safer to sit in silence and discomfort, than speak up?
When I’ve brought up my concerns in the past, was my partner open to hearing about my emotions and willing to work on our relationship and communication or was I dismissed and even made fun of or ridiculed?
If as you ask these questions you’re experiencing flashbacks, an increase in anxiety, or some type of strong emotional reaction, and/or your answer highlight that you avoid upsetting your partner out of fear of retaliation, you may be in an abusive relationship.
If on the other hand, you are feeling like you can safely express yourself even though you might be scared to bring something up because it’s uncomfortable and feels vulnerable, you are more than likely experiencing “normal relationship conflict.”
Remember, this is a blog and I cannot diagnose your relationship. What is highlighted here is general information about abuse in relationships with an opportunity for you to connect deeper with how you feel within yours. If you are concerned you are in an abusive relationship, getting help from a professional is important and there are lots of qualified individuals who can help you. Please reach out if you don’t know where to find someone and I can help you locate someone in your area.
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Keep Being Bravely You,
Amanda