Redefining Yourself After Divorce
When you’ve been one version of yourself for so long, how do you begin to identify yourself differently? And for that matter, when you’ve lived your life a certain way for an extended period of time, how do you create a new normal?
These are two questions I’ve not only been exploring for myself, but I’ve been taking steps to rediscover, realign, and redesign myself and my life.
Hitting reset on your current version of normal takes patience, compassion, empathy, honesty and a willingness to get curious and explore your previous patterns so you don’t fall back into the same shitty or less than fulfilling life you may have once had.
Here’s the thing about humans - We thrive on consistency, normalcy and routine. We love predictability and knowing what to expect. It helps us feel safe and keeps our flight or fight system regulated.
However, how we define these terms is relative. What we believe about the safety of the world, has more to do with how we grew up than how we say we want to live.
When I was going through trauma training about family dynamics and the impact of abuse and neglect on children, I was completely struck when the trainer said….
“What we learn and come to expect in our family is what we believe about ourselves, our safety and the safety of the world.”
Our early experiences of routine and relationships, is our initial normal. Like everything else in life, this “normal” will change over time as we have new experiences and do our own personal growth work.
Knowing what our early patterning was, helps us understand why after a big change in our life, we go back to what we know - same routine, same dynamics, even in a new relationship.
Regardless of how different my first and second husbands are, in my second marriage I found myself in some of the very same undesirable patterns as the first…
I was focused on trying to please him, absorbing pieces of him and incorporating them into my identify, giving up pieces of myself, trying to make it work at all costs, not speaking up about things that were important to me especially in the beginning, thinking something was wrong with me, not sharing pieces of who I was out of shame - the list goes one. At the beginning of my relationship with him, I became who I thought he wanted and didn’t share things about myself. All of that has very little to do with him, and everything to do with me.
When we don’t do our own work, we fall back into the same patterns with new people. We co-create the dysfunction and dissatisfaction with the next person. This isn’t about blaming anyone or taking ownership of something that isn’t ours, this is about acknowledging each person in a relationship has some ownership for the quality of the relationship.
When a relationship ends, it’s an opportune time for you to explore and not only uncover old patterns, but choose how you want to feel and act in your next relationship and rekindle the sparks of yourself that you might have previously cast aside.
How do we rekindle those sparks?
It comes through a lot of intentional exploration and processing of our emotions. It’s about getting back in touch with what makes us feel good, feel alive, brings us joy and honors who we are. It isn’t about judging, shaming, or even belittling or berating ourselves. Rekindling the spark is about slowing down and checking in with yourself.
Leaving a relationship is uncomfortable, which is why so many of us stay, even though we are uncomfortable - Better to stay with the devil you know than the one you don’t. This belief is why we stay with people and things that no longer serve us. Leaping into the unknown means, we have to start over (or at least it feels that way).
Through this process I’ve found myself stretched out, balancing on one foot, reaching out into the unknown with one arm and letting go of what was with the other. The uncertainty and ambiguity of it all feels scary and activates my stress hormones... And it’s also exciting. There is so much possibility when we begin to trust and let go of our attachments to old patterns.
Right now you might be saying, well that’s all well and good but I’m not like you. Or, I don’t think I’m ready to do this. And, maybe you’re right but what if you're wrong? If you’re going through a rediscovering process you already know how uncomfortable it can be and that showing up for it and yourself is brave.
I spent so many years weighed down by the expectations, commitments, shoulds, and judgments. Overdoing, over perfecting, over performing and over analyzing. As I’ve started to adjust to living as a single woman again, I realize how exhausted I’ve been. Awareness of what wasn’t working for us in our relationship, helps us see where and how we can show up differently. That’s what this process of creating a new normal is all about, uncovering how you want to feel in your life everyday and then checking to see if what you are choosing to do is bringing you closer to those feelings or taking you farther away.
When It comes down to it. Creating a new normal and rekindling the sparks you cast aside, begins when you sit down with yourself and start exploring these questions:
How do I want to feel in my life?
What things have been part of my normal? (List these things out and then next to each one explore the subset questions)
How does doing this make me feel
Do I want to continue these?
Is there something else I could replace any of them that would make me feel how I want to feel?
What is missing from my life? (this isn’t about adding a person back in like answer “A man”, this is about focusing on feelings and experiences you want to have)
How can I bring these things in, even if it is just on a weekly or monthly basis
You don’t have to figure this all out at once. In fact, I’m still figuring it out for myself. Growth and rediscovering what brings you pleasure, excitement, confidence and love in your life (Or any other feeling you want to experience) takes time and a commitment to loving yourself.
For me, it has looked like spending more time outside, hiking, and doing things that honor who I am. This is a personal process and the more you lean into honoring yourself the more you, you will be.
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