I Can't be Wonder Woman Anymore
Tired, drained, overwhelmed. It seems to be a badge of honor amongst women trying to shock and amaze people about just how much we can do. Dazzling others with how much shit we can pile on our plates, take from other people, and deal with everyday.
It’s not just incredibly impressive, it’s also quite depressive.
I’m all too familiar with trying to be all things to all people, except to the person who needs me the most - myself. It was easier for me to do for other people and put their needs in front of mine, say yes to things I wanted to say no to, and take on more and more responsibility.
It fed my need to control things. I wore it like a badge of honor, all the while I was secretly dying inside because there was no time for me to do the things I really wanted to do. But no matter how exhausted I felt, I kept the plates spinning somehow, because I felt like I had too.
Maybe it was the roles we each naturally took on in our marriage following models we’d grown up with, or maybe it was my deep desire to serve my husband and make this relationship work. However, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t partly because of my own insecurity and feelings of unworthiness. I had this deep sense of shame and felt I needed to prove I wasn’t that girl anymore.
As a wife, not only did I work full time, but I also took care of the majority of the household duties. Grocery shopping, meal prep, laundry, dishes, cleaning the house, cooking dinner and I even contributed to the yard work and home improvements. I was the primary caretaker for our son, driving him to school and other activities before he could drive. I was the primary person responsible for all dog needs, like taking them to the vet, giving medications and searching for our boy Buster when he would escape from the yard.
I’d work all day and come home and do more work. There wasn’t a lot of down time and when I did take some I felt guilty and more overwhelmed because all the chores were still there. And even though I tried, I wasn’t the perfect house cleaner which left me feeling bad about myself for just not being about to do it all.
My inner critic would say things like…
“Why can’t you keep this house clean, it’s only 1000 square feet”
“You’re doing it all wrong” “
You’re not trying hard enough”
The more I took on, the more I felt disconnected, uninspired and burned the fuck out. I found that I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was gaining more and more weight, which made me feel worse since I knew what to do so “why couldn’t I do it?” I didn’t even realize just how stressed out I was. I was stressed out emotionally, physically, and mentally. My body was in pain, and I didn’t say anything. I just kept pushing on through because I felt like I couldn’t talk about it because it would mean that I couldn’t handle everything. And what would that say about me….. So I was silent.
Silently stressed, Silently hurting, Silently ashamed that I couldn’t do it all.
Taking on so much responsibility comes from us trying to prove ourselves by seeking outside validation and approval. If we do enough, we will be recognized, loved and all the stories we tell ourselves about how bad we are won’t be true - but that isn’t how that shit works. There is nothing anyone can tell you about yourself that will get you to believe something different than you do. You are the only one who can change the stories in your head about who you are and you are the only one who can decide when you are going to stop being Wonder Woman.
You decide how much is enough.
Doing enough is a relative term - because when you struggle with shame, perfectionism, self judgment, a desire to be accepted and loved, you keep doing more and more. It is never enough. You spend a lot of time and energy on trying to prove your worth, instead of just living as if you are worthy as you are, without taking on all the extra responsibilities.
Our worthiness or unworthiness story takes us out of balance and skews our perception of what is enough. It also impacts our ability to have flexible boundaries. When we are trying to be Wonder Woman, we lack boundaries and the ones we do have are often extremely permeable. We find ourselves having a hard time saying no, or even asking for help.
I had so many stories about what it would mean if I said “No I can’t do that” or “Hey can you help me with...” and they kept me stuck in the cycle of overwhelm. I didn’t want to appear weak, I wanted to be seen as nice, and I wanted to prove I could handle anything. When I did get brave enough to ask for help, and I didn’t get the response I expected, wanted or needed I’d end up doing the task myself.
Oftentimes, it felt like it was more work to ask for help or uphold my new boundary than it was just to take care of the thing myself. However every time I did that, it kept me in the cycle both for myself and within my relationships.
I unintentionally taught the people around me that I would eventually do it all myself, so they didn’t need to help me.
All of these stories, behaviors and choices, took me out of balance. I didn’t have a good work life, family life, or self care balance. Every time I said yes to something I didn’t want to do, I was saying no to something I really wanted to do. All the overwhelm kept me from devoting myself and time to the things I really wanted to engage in, like writing, self care and even building a business.
Constantly trying to fulfill some unrealistic expectation, distances us from the things that bring us joy and make our life worth living.
So what do you do if you want to stop being Wonder Woman? You lean into the practices of exploration and honesty. You can begin by sitting down and starting with these questions:
How many things am I currently managing or responsible for in my life
How am I feeling about all the things I am managing
Where did I learn I needed to “do it all”
What stories have I been telling myself when I think about setting boundaries or having someone help me with this
If I wasn’t taking on all these responsibilities/expectations, how would I be spending my time?
Remember, this isn’t about judging yourself. This is about developing a deeper understanding of why you do what you do, so you can make a different choice if and when you want to. You don’t have to do it all, you can absolutely do less and feel incredibly confident in yourself all the while loving your life.
You have the power to change your life and rewrite the stories that keep you stuck in the cycle of overwhelm.
If you need some support from someone who gets it, contact me and let's get you signed up for free exploration call.
Keep Being Bravely You!