How to Know Your Marriage is Over
Recently, I was talking with a friend when all of the sudden she said “why did I put up with this for so long?” She was talking about her relationship with her partner which over the years had changed from what it was when it first started. She continued “it gets so confusing because there is good stuff and love with all the other stuff...” Then she finally asked me “When do we stop suffering?”
I didn’t have an answer for her at that moment, and her questions immediately got me thinking about what was happening in my own life with regards to my separation from second husband and impending divorce.
The simple and not so helpful answer to “Why did I put up with this for so long?” is “I don’t know, you just did.” But the truth is we know why we stay in relationships that do not work for us. Who we were x number of years ago when we got into the relationship and who we are now, are different. What we wanted then and what we want now are different. And we stay for so many reasons.
When I first met my husband, I was almost two years separated from my first husband (a narcissistic and toxic man), and I hadn’t dealt with my deep wounding or the shame I was carrying around because of it. I wanted to really look at myself but had my head in the sand. I knew I was fine, and it was him who was fucked up. I was looking for someone I could have fun with, someone I could let my hair down around and someone who wasn’t going to ask me questions like “How many men have you slept with?” or “What was your ex-husband like?”
I wanted to be accepted for me, but…. There was a problem. I wasn’t willing and didn’t really want to talk about myself and what I wanted, liked, loved or share what was really important to me.
Instead I downplayed my life and interests (partly because I was still hiding) and focused on getting him to love me by being the version of me that he wanted or by becoming the woman he was interested in. By doing this I disowned pieces of myself. Shame has a funny and very cunning way of blinding us to our own shit.
For me, this relationship was exactly what I needed at the time. It was the relationship that took the pressure off of feeling judged by someone else which allowed me to begin the deep healing work that was desperately trying to come through. This was the deep work that I didn’t even know I needed and yet because of this relationship, I was able to dive into it, one toe at a time.
I stayed because of love.
I stayed because of safety.
I stayed because I felt comfortable (a good portion of the time).
I stayed because I knew what to expect.
I stayed because of hope.
I stayed because of fear.
I stayed because of beliefs I held.
I stayed because I wasn’t ready to leave.
I stayed because of my belief in people’s capacity for change.
I stayed because I chose too.
This relationship anchored me and it felt like he accepted me for me. It gave me the permission I struggled to give myself to heal. We had fun together, shared common interests, laughed together, traveled well together, and we complimented each other in so many ways. I stayed because for so long our relationship worked for me even when it began not too.
The thing about personal growth that people don’t always tell you is this….
You won't be the same on the other side and your relationships might not survive.
If we really understood what this meant for our lives, we might not choose to grow, in fact I honestly believe that is why so many people choose to divert their attention and distract themselves when they become uncomfortable.
When we do the work to heal ourselves and begin to evolve and grow, not everyone will grow with us.
Sometimes they will choose to break away and other times we will be the ones to choose to break away. There is no right or wrong in this, it's just part of life.
Things change, seasons change, relationships change.
When we get comfortable letting all the judgment go about why we stay or why we leave, we have more clarity about our choices and confusion begins to dissipate.
Let’s dive a little deeper into exploring these questions:
Why do we put up with things for so long?
Because we’re hanging our hats on the hope that things will change.
I could see the potential of my husband and our relationship. I thought, “If only we could... he would... or I could, then…” But hanging onto the hope that things will change in the future or go back to the way they were moves us further away from where we are now and seeing what is the reality of our relationship right now. We find ourselves disconnected, not only from our partner but also ourselves and the HERO Practices of Honesty and Honoring.
If you’ve been hanging your hat on the hope that things are going to change and either go back to the way they were or be different in the future when x happens, you’re also saying, “It’s okay I’m not being treated better,” or “It’s okay he’s not showing up for me the way I need him to.” You risk continuing to push the line of what you’ll accept further and further, until you risk losing yourself entirely.
When do we stop suffering?
This is a tricky question because suffering is part of the duality of life. To know sadness helps you know joy. To move through darkness, helps you appreciate light. To experience the ugliness of life, gives you a deeper appreciation for its beauty. We stop suffering when we stop judging ourselves and why we make the decisions we do. There is no good or bad choice, there is a choice and the consequence of that choice and we get to define what we do with it. Deepening into the practice of Honoring helps us release the judgment we are so quick to dish out. When we honor ourselves, we let go of the judgment and allow ourselves to live in the now.
We can choose to stay in relationships because they are predictable even if they aren’t perfect or we can choose to leave them. Neither choice is wrong or right, it is just the choice we are making for ourselves right now. Whether we stay 1 year, 5 years, 14 years, or 25 years, the length of the relationship isn’t what to focus on when you want to stop suffering.
Suffering stops when we stop judging ourselves.
If you’ve found yourself in the midst of judgment about staying in a relationship here are 5 questions you can use to explore what is happening.
When I met my partner, what was I looking for in a relationship?
Where have I been judging myself, my partner or this relationship?
What am I really afraid will happen if I leave this relationship?
What lessons have I learned from this relationship about myself and what I want from a partner?
Would I want this relationship for my daughter/son/niece/nephew/best friend.
Remember, making decisions is an act of self trust. Don’t judge your choice by comparing it to some ideal that may not be right for you. Work on building the relationship with your inner voice and let her guide your way.
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Keep Being Bravely You!