How to Confidently Set Boundaries

Boundaries and setting them can feel like a foreign concept when you’ve grown up believing your needs and desires aren’t as important as others, you didn’t have healthy boundaries modeled in your family or experienced emotional abuse in one or more of your relationships.  It can also be doubly confusing when you're told “you need to compromise in your relationships to make them work.” No wonder it can feel impossible to set boundaries if you're feeling like you’re asking for too much and/or told you need to lower your standards.

While yes, compromise is important in relationships, this isn’t one sided.  You can set boundaries within your relationships because compromise in relationships doesn’t mean a relationship absent of boundaries.  Compromise is both people figuring out how both of their needs can be met. And it should be noted, compromise doesn’t include dismissing your boundaries or lowering standards.  In fact, setting boundaries helps both you and others know if the relationship is a good fit for both of you.  Without them, you might end up in relationships that don’t feel good, become emotionally abusive and/or neglectful and end up feeling bad about yourself not to mention resentful af. 

Because setting boundaries can be incredibly challenging in the beginning, I’m outlining how to set them as confidently as possible and what to do when your boundaries are ignored, dismissed or violated. 

In order to feel confident setting your boundaries with someone else, you need to understand your non-negotiables, what your relationship needs are and what you value.  It’s important to be honest with yourself about your needs, preferences and what’s important to you, so you can share them with others. The first step in being confident in your boundaries, is truly believing you are worthy of having them. 

All too often, we let things go in the beginning of a relationship thinking we are being flexible and don’t want to make a fuss, however that sends the message that we approve of the behavior.  And the more grounded you are  in your boundaries and understand why they’re important to you, the easier it is to let others not only know what they are, but also address them when they're violated.  I cover how to discover your needs, preferences and non-negotiables in another blog which you can explore here.  

Once you know what your standards and non-negotiables are, it’s time to start letting people know and it’s always easiest to address things right from the start of a relationship, however this isn’t always possible.  There will be times when something happens and a boundary will get crossed in an established relationship or maybe it’s been continually crossed and now you're ready to address it more directly. 

Once you realize one of your boundaries has been violated, address it immediately by voicing you're not okay with what happened, even if you need to take some time to process what happened before you can have a deeper conversation.  Your willingness to uphold your boundaries by having open and honest conversations with others when your boundaries are violated is necessary to having relationships that feel emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically safe. These types of conversations can feel incredibly uncomfortable which is why so many people avoid them, however avoidance isn’t bringing you what you want.  

During these conversations it will be important that you are grounded in your experience, however not so dug in that you aren’t able to listen to the other person's perspective or context with what happened.  These conversations require each person to be open to cultivating understanding with each other, because that’s how we make relationships safe and mutually rewarding for both people. Understanding where they are coming from is as important as paying attention to whether they are hearing the impact it had on you, acknowledging the impact regardless of their intention, and working to understand your needs better.  However it does NOT mean that you have to accept their behavior or what happened.  

It’s critical to clarify why this boundary is important to you. There are reasons why you have the boundaries you do, so sharing those reasons with others helps them develop a deeper understanding of who you are and how you experience/view the world. The most effective way to share this with others, to increase the likelihood they hear you, is in a way that doesn’t criticize, attack or degrade them. You can set boundaries and still be kind and respectful of others, regardless of whether they agree with your boundaries or not. 

Here’s the thing, people need to know why something is important to us, which is why the explanation is necessary to help them understand our triggers - however you also don’t need to justify your boundaries or prove their validity to another person and if someone is asking this of you - then you need to rethink the relationship and how emotionally safe it is. 

Setting boundaries can create anxiety and often links to past experiences and reactions from people when you’d previously tried to set them.  It can also be uncomfortable due to having some fears around rejection or abandonment if you speak up for yourself.  These fears are valid especially when we’ve experienced this in the past, and if this is coming up for you, it’s an indication there’s some exploration around the reasons you’re staying in a relationship which doesn't allow you the freedom to express yourself or your needs.  

We all desire to be in relationships where we feel emotionally safe, and one of the biggest issues I see with my clients struggling to set boundaries is the level of emotional safety within their relationships.  Improving the emotional safety of a relationship requires the participation of both people and your part is to be direct, honest, clear and concise when stating your boundaries.  This helps others know what to expect from you and know what you are available for and what you’re not. The more direct, clear, concise and firm you can be with stating your boundary and the consequence for violating them, the kinder it is for everyone, including yourself and the less room there is for misinterpretation. 

Now that you’ve set your boundaries and are getting comfortable with that, let’s address what to do when your boundaries are violated and regardless of whether it's intentional or not. When it happens these steps are crucial.  

1.Address it quickly, be direct and as clear and firm as possible when telling them they violated a boundary but don’t over explain yourself. Keep it simple. 

Now if this is the first violation, you get to decide if you act on the consequence immediately or tell them that if this happens again the consequence is X. You don’t need to justify why something is a boundary violation, especially if they keep trying to question it or say it doesn’t make sense to them.  Feeling like you need to make sure they get it, is a trauma response and indicative of people pleasing, you are not responsible for making sure someone understands, beyond telling them clearly what your boundaries are.

2. If you already informed them of the consequence of crossing this boundary, then following through on the consequence is paramount.

Consequences to boundary violations can range from ending a relationship to limiting the amount of time you spend, communication you engage in and activities you do with them. Figuring out what the consequence is depends on what you feel you need for the specific situation and relationship you have. You get to decide what the consequences are for the boundary violation.  If you’re unsure about what a consequence needs to be, talk to someone you trust to find out what they’d do in a specific situation.  It doesn’t mean you need to do exactly what they’d do, but rather it will help you figure out what feels like the best choice for you. Sometimes we need to talk things through before you make a decision, so get support from a trusted person in your life. 

Reminder: It’s not only okay to enforce consequences you set, it’s necessary to affirm your self worth.  When you uphold your boundaries, you are saying "I can trust you.”to yourself.  Which boosts self trust and self confidence. 

Now you can always choose to stay in a relationship with someone and accept their behavior even if it violates your boundaries.  Remember, this is a choice and if you choose it, I’d suggest exploring how staying in the relationship after a boundary violation is going to impact you, your relationship with them and your relationship with yourself.  Ask yourself “how am I going to feel about myself and this relationship? What is this doing to my level of trust?  What message am I sending by staying after this violation?”  

Here’s the thing, we teach people how to treat us. So if you are violating your own boundaries by failing to uphold them and enforce consequences of boundary violations then people are not going to believe you care about the boundary and/or mean what we say. And this opens the door to being walked all over and taken advantage of.  Now if this sounds a little hard coming from a therapist, it’s because as a therapist I have a responsibility to say the hard things in the most loving, kind, supportive and direct way possible.  Sometimes this means saying  the things others don’t or won’t. 

Remember whatever you do, upholding your boundaries is really all about upholding yourself, what you believe in, and teaching people how to treat you with dignity and respect by maintaining it for yourself.