Reclaiming Your Social Life: How to Rebuild Your Community After Divorce
When divorce happens you don’t just lose the person you were married to, you lose so much more and often included is a restructuring of your family, friends and supportive network/social community.
Rebuilding a community and friendships after your world collapses due to divorce can feel overwhelming and frustrating as fuck. The people you once relied on may no longer be there and if they are, it may feel awkward to navigate how things look in this post-divorce life of yours. Places you felt safe in community with may no longer feel safe to you. Which is why sometimes it’s easier to walk away and let friendships come to an end when you go through a divorce. Although, you might feel like the hole inside you grows as you lose relationships through the divorce process.
Establishing new or redefining friendships and community is an act of courage and requires vulnerability.
I remember when my first marriage ended, I felt very isolated and alone because I’d given up almost all my friends and had strained relationships with my family due to the level of enmeshment with my first husband. When the divorce started happening, I had an extremely limited support network outside of my soon to ex-husband and since he was no longer someone I felt safe with, I had to lean into who was available to me. Things felt murky because the little support I had was difficult for me to access because of my own shame. I didn’t know how to talk to the people still in my network about what happened and I was scared to share my experience. I felt conflicted and didn’t know what was okay and not okay to talk about. Plus I feared if I said too much or something wrong, I’d lose the friends and little support I had, so it took me a while to figure out.
However it was different in my second marriage, while I had some of my own friends, most of the people I considered my friends were his. So when the relationship dissolved, I lost a significant group of people who had been my friends. And even though I knew most of them would choose to remain friends with him, over me, it still hurt. It especially hurt when I lost a long time friend who I’d known since I was 19 years old and was a huge part of my life since they decided to remain friends with him. Again, I was left leaning into what relationships I had, although the big difference between these two divorces was that the friends I had cultivated deep relationships after my first divorce were still my friends and there to hold me through my second divorce.
The fear of losing your friends when you decide to get divorced is a real one and it’s something that many of my clients think about as they navigate divorce and begin to rebuild their lives. What I’ve learned and try to help my clients understand is this…..
ANY major change or transition in our lives comes with loss, we lose the friends, aspects of ourselves and community we once relied on.
Whether it's moving to a new job, moving to a new city, becoming a parent, entering sobriety/recovery, getting married, going through a divorce, moving into retirement, we are going to lose people who are/were important to us and who were a significant part of our lives.
You might think you don’t know how to make friends and build a support network, but I’d like to challenge that by saying you do. Although it may not feel possible at this moment due to the multitude of losses happening at once, it is. So then why is it so hard if you’ve done this so many times in your life before under different circumstances?
Well, because most of us are also battling internal stories and beliefs around what getting divorce means.
Unlike moving to a new house or city, switching careers, getting new hobbies, changing employers, or even your kids starting with new team, these things are all seen as positive and are celebrated, divorce on the other hand is sometimes still looked at with disdain, pity, considered shameful or something taboo. Much of society doesn't really know how to respond when they here people are going through a divorce. Should you say “Oh you poor thing. How are you doing?” or “Congratulations!! That’s so exciting!!”? and because of this uncertainty, people tend to say nothing or very little and lean away because of their own discomfort. Which contributes to our increasing sense of loneliness and isolation.
Let me be transparent, you will lose people you call/called your friends and family when you go through a divorce, regardless of how long you’ve been in each others lives or what you’ve been through together. Not everyone will stay. It is sad, you will absolutely mourn the loss of those relationships, and the ones that remain will transform, into what type of relationship, well, only time will tell. However I do know this, you’re going to be okay, if not today eventually. Building new friendships and communities, like healing, takes time and happens in layers.
Here’s the thing about losing friendships and support networks, while it’s sad, it’s also an incredible opportunity for growth. An opportunity to create something even more meaningful and amazing, than what came before.
When things fall apart, you get to rebuild them how you want them to be now at this moment. Which is exciting as hell!!
So where do you start? With these journal prompts of course :)
What types of things do I want to experience in my life today?
How do I want to feel in my relationships?
What hobbies or activities am I interested in trying out?
What hobbies or activities have I enjoyed in the past?
What social causes are important to me?
What have I always wanted to try but didn’t because of my marriage?
Now in addition to the above questions, here are some places you can start exploring to see what sounds fun and interesting to you. These will provide you with opportunities to meet new people and develop new friendships, if you so choose to:
Check the Meetup Groups in your area or surrounding areas. (don’t forget they have online events too)
Check with the Local Community College to see if they have community classes or workshops you can participate in
Go to the Local Library and see what their calendar of events are
Do a Local Events search and see what sparks your curiosity
Google “Volunteer Opportunities in my area”
See what Clubs or Organizations are in your community or online that you could get involved in.
Find and Join Divorced Support Groups like Braving Divorce and Thriving Beyond on Facebook. Support groups can be a great place to connect with others who’ve gone through similar things for support and ideas from people who’ve been there too.
The most important part of this is to approach it with curiosity and wonderment. Look for the little sparks of joy, excitement, pleasure and/or amusement, and follow them to see where they take you. Have fun with this!
Remember divorce is a state of both deconstruction and reconstruction. So be gentle with yourself, lean into the friends and family you feel safe with, open up to new opportunities and give yourself the space you need to heal. And might I add…. I highly recommend taking up a new hobby because learning new skills allows you to focus your mind on something outside of your divorce and the subsequent changes you’re experiencing, even if it only provides a temporary ease to the pain you’re experiencing due to the loss.
If you are navigating a divorce, getting ready to or recently went through one and want some emotional support through the process, Join the Braving Divorce and Thriving Beyond Community
Keep Being Bravely You,
Amanda